Little Bit Crazy

I am trying to figure out how to put into words what all I am processing, and I can’t seem to do it.

I have created so many drafts for this blog that I cannot finish… though all worthy thoughts, I just cannot spit the words out. I need metaphor, symbolism, and I am never satisfied with what I come up with. I think part of my writers block (if you will) is that I have so much going on in my head that I have difficulty focousing in on one, and processing it.

MY SUMMER:

I am working 9 hours a day… sometimes it is unofficially more because I drive my mom to work, making my day 12 hours this Tuesday. 7-7. oof. I don’t know how I manage to cram so much into my life. It probably isn’t sane. Anyway, I am enjoying my two jobs, and my side occupations, although time consuming it has been a wonderful learning experience. I am dabbeling in everything from developmentally dissabled adults, to business, to the music industry (writing reviews), to helping out with my church’s youth group, and painting!!

In all of this, I find I have ironically become much more laid back. I am still very driven to be active and to follow through with things- to deliver, but I am less worried about the picky things, and my demeanor has calmed a lot. I have been studying prayer, looking at the formulas to the just honest ‘GOD why are you letting this happen’, to simply resting in silence knowing GOD is there. I have been learning to find peace in the financial chaos, and rest in the unknown of life after college. I am finally starting to really enjoy the present.

I need sleep now. So I am going to rest and write more later

July 6

July 6. 2008

I am sitting in the car, the sun on my face, the bare sky over me, accented by the lush green trees & fields around me. I find the peaceful joy in that isolation where I have met God. From there all that was driving me insane, minutes earlier, fades.

I can just sit in this silence- As if I were sitting locked in gaze with the greatest lover of all time. I am stealing moments away with him. This is freeing me- breaking the bonds of all the things I’ve allowed myself to be tied down by.

Here I want to remain forever.

My eyes shut but my face is raised toward the sky. I feel the sun. And as quickly as the trees pass by my window so do my worries. One by one they fade into the distance and are gone.

I know this is exactly where I am meant to be. Within the embrace of my creator, fully engulfed in his joy and creativity- the marvel of what is and how life can be.

This is where I again met Jesus. I told him that I can’t keep fighting my battles on my own. I am not strong enough. I am sorry I did not recognize this earlier.

I let go.

He is there.