Being Vulnerable
Vulnerability is something that has been on my mind a lot. Even as I write there is a girl crying, beautiful in her vulnerability, and also as I write I am recovering and processing an incredible weekend of vulnerability and brokenness.
There is an annual conference that takes place on my campus that brings students from around the country into our dorms and academic buildings for a weekend of spiritual reflection and renewal. They ask for students from campus to apply for small group leader positions and I applied this year with my friend and he and I were so hit by God and the brokenness and the beautfy of honesty and vulnerability.
God really humbled me and I was reminded about how much of a mess I am, and yet I was able to celebrate that because – even in my mess God has not forgotten me or rejected me- instead I have found that that place- that place of repentance and borkenness is where God loves to meet me. He can use our weaknesses to demonstrate his glory!
On that weekend I saw God personally remind me of his love for me, I saw Jesus use another one of his children to express his love to a hurting son, I saw Jesus speak through my co-leader and remind a daughter of God’s delight in her, and I saw another son and daughter catch a glimpse of God’s glory and his love for them too.
After one of our sessions with our group I cried for a good hour or more- out of hurt, joy, and just because I was overwhelmed too.
So now even a week later after projects have come and gone and I am still finiding myself dwelling and processing everything. And in the midst of this intense blurr of ‘end of the year’ busyness I find myself hardening and forgetting all of the lessons God has been teaching me.
I guess as I process all of this I realize that that is one thing that lacks in most communities: vulnerability, expression of hurt, and the freedom for confession. I am reminded that it is so easy to keep this mess hidden. To look like you have it all together- to keep everyone at a certain distance. So how do we break into our own hearts and become bare souled beings? I guess it is only through the grace of God when he unlocks our hearts, but I think a lot of it has to depend on our trust in his unconditional love and the placing of God’s love in our lives as a higher value than the love of man. I am praying for more vulnerability in my life, and in the lives of those around me. So that we are free to encourage and love one another unconditionally.
True love cannot take place until we see the good, bad, and the ugly and can love in spite of those things. I want to see growth and freedom take place- healing to take place!
This is part of the reason why I wanted to write this down: I don’t want to forget what God is doing or the lessons he is teaching.
I also wanted to celebrate it with you! 
GOD IS DOING SUCH COOL THINGS!
well I guess that is the blurp of thoughts for now- as well as a vague brief update as to what is up in my life!
blessings.
The 7th Day
I am seeing a clear difference in who I was before and after my entry into life in the United States. When I lived in Europe I remember sitting in my room enjoying writing in my journal or simply listening to music. I was not in a hurry, and life was not crammed with things to do.
I can distinctly remember that among my many observations of American culture I realized that there is a certain pressure (that I began to give in to) to fill my time. It is good to be busy, was the message. Now before we go on- I want to clarify that I am not going to blame the States or my school for my issues with overcommitment and stress, that is my own responsibility, I am just saying that rest is not valued in these cultures as it was in Europe. A lot of this change might also be greatly attributed to simply growing up and becoming an adult with more and more opportunity and responsibility.
I love opportunity and since so many amazing opportunities and good things have come my way it has become hard to say no.
I have become an incredibly gifted overcommitter and have neglected and completely underestimated the need and even the concept for rest. So God had to spell it out to me.
This is what I have been learning and have begun to value: REST. This year I have really out done myself on the overcommitment level, and as much as I can sit back and laugh at my stupidity and can also see some of the awesome blessings that have come from my various responsibilities, I am also reaping the consequences and am learning that this was never meant to happen again.
So this is this is where I now stand: the 7th Day is essential and meant for good.
Psalm 32 hit home the other night… I felt like God was telling me to look it up and I did, and the entire Psalm was something I needed to meditate on, but for the purpose of this blog these last couple verses applied perfectly:
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD’s unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him
I have found that along with busyness comes much worry and I never thought that I would be that horse or donkey when it came to rest, but I can see myself turning into that ass that needs that bit pulled into a place of rest! Why is it that I need to be forced into rest? It is something I feel we long for, and yet refuse to sit in. Along with the worry and the lack of rest, I have found that I begin to take life more and more under the control of my feeble hands – instead of entrusting God to stand beside me and help me carry my burdens. So all in all this lack of rest destroys my mental capacity, it keeps me from processing even the blessings that are coming from my involvement, friendships are compromised, and exhaustion and burn out begins to take control.Worst of all however, through this busyness I end up spending less and less time with my Savior.
There is hope though, because as the last verse in that passage says, those who trust in God are surrounded by God’s unfailing love- and that message in itself is incredibly encouraging.
So I am trying to not fall into this incredible busyness over and over anymore, and to TRULY rest, regularly. It is not easy though- I must fight this addiction to opportunity and hold myself accountable to this stillness… this peace.
Heck, if the GOD OF HEAVEN needed rest- what in the world makes me think I could or should do without it?
To: My Parents & My Brother
So I was on the 12 hour car ride back to School and got to thinking about my Family. I hate leaving home after a break. I love my School and the all of the awesome people that I have the privilege of knowing and spending time with, but every time I come home and then have to leave again, I can’t help but fight the tears welling up in my eyes as I see my family fade back into the distance. This is a good thing, but none the less frustrating.
Mom, Dad, and Drew… I just wanted to let you know that I really love you guys. I mean really love you guys. You have been and still are the best things that have or ever could happen to me. I miss you guys like crazy when I am here, and always look forward to my times when I am back with you.You are completely worth the long trek.
I don’t take you for granted and I really honestly have no clue what I would do without you.
Love wholly and forever,
Sarah
Leaving Messages for God.
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?sortBy=1&forumID=6170&start=0&tstart=0&edition=2&ttl=20090307175437#paginator
There is an art exhibit that has been set up in the Netherlands that is meant to help viewers feel like GOD is more accessible by having a phone number that gives you ‘God’s answering machine’. Even though I am not entirely sure what this exhibit looks like it has sparked some interesting responses globally. I was reading the article on BBC, and after reading noticed on the sidebar that BBC has a blog post where people can write what they would leave as a message for God. I began reading these and I became addicted. It was good to hear what others were thinking about God and faith. I really encourage you to read this.
I read 8 pages of responses thus far and my heart is broken and challenged by these peoples statements. I find it is easy to forget what the rest of the world thinks about God when you are at a place that encourages him so much.
As I was reading it I tried to imagine how it must impact God to hear these words that are so often silently spoken in peoples hearts… globally.
The concept of leaving a message to God is interesting to me too and that has fed into a lot of peoples responses, of frustration when they feel like GOD must not exist because he doesn’t ever seem to respond in their eyes.
I experience the silent times too. Where I feel like GOD has forgotten all about me or out of frustration with me refuses to speak to me. But I have more opposite experiences to counter the feeling of silence, so I do not stay in that frustration.
check out the article and let me know what you think.
The Fallen Look Up To Dream.
When I think about all the things which capture our attention, it amazes me that so many subtle beauties go unnoticed. The stories of redemption and love that we magnify and praise as heroic on television, we dismiss and so often overlook in real life. Lately, some really incredible things have been happening. People are being freed from long time bondage, and people are finding healthy relationships and battering at the issues that come with simply loving one another. Everyday there are battles to finally attain racial or any other sort of reconciliation. And because we are in the midst of this we see only bits and pieces of these magnificent stories, and therefore often miss the opportunity to encourage and celebrate it.
I guess where this is all coming from in the end, is that I am seeing God unite his body in some really fantastical and amazing ways- things that are awe inspiring and spiritually challenging such as things that I would have deemed miraculous and highly improbable before. Now, for myself I have found, that it has become far to easy to become obsessed with these beautiful and often inexplicable things- and it is not bad to rejoice in these- HOWEVER, I do believe that the daily walk with our God and intentional love- the fruit of the spirit should be something equally celebrated and desired- if not more so.
I have been studying – not even voluntarily the creation story in many different ways. It seems that I cannot escape it since last semester when we did an assignment on the book ends of the Bible and what God intended this world to be like, what it is like, and what it will someday become. This semester, in one class alone, we have looked at the creation story twice, and I have also watched the movie ‘The Fall’ which fits it all so beautifully. But I am currently reading Paradise Lost, which shows ‘the fall’ from Satan’s perspective mostly, and it is so fascinating.
We are broken people- bruised. This is not what we were made to be like. God did not create us to be able to bear the wages of sin (death). But it has infected every generation, every tribe every tongue. It’s a good thing we don’t have to become too transfixed on this however, because the victory is won- the great deceiver has lost, and we are no longer (in the name of Jesus – of we choose to accept it) enslaved. But with our own and cultural pressure we fall to the idea that we must be independent and self-dependent, and we isolate our relationship to being something that is no more than a vertical GOD and I relationship. This is not wrong in that we ARE supposed to have a relationship primarily with GOD, but as pastor Brian Loritts so beautifully mentioned in Chapel: there must be a horizontal relationship too. We must LOVE one another- not just the ones who are like us- but we must love across racial, socio-economic, personal interests, and personality lines.
I am realizing more and more the calling to love one another. I am also learning more and more what this means. To love another is to love intentionally and without ceasing, and at times with honest failure, but expecting nothing in return. I heard God put this calling on my life- and as simple as it seems, it is so hard to do. But as I look up to dream, I see the love that God has so lavishly poured out on me and the rest of his creation. It is a relentless love.
God is uniting his body using our weaknesses and strengths to bond one another through our open and vulnerable hearts. Praise God for the fact that we are not complete on our own. We were created not to be alone. When God created Adam he said he needed a companion, and I believe it wasn’t just romantically- but we NEED one another because we build each other up in God’s name. A hand can do little on it’s own, but with a foot, or an eye, accompanied with love and Christ- they can do all.
We- the fallen look to the heavens to dream- to find hope, peace and love. A hope for the future, a peace accompanied by perseverance and in patience, and for strength to love.
I love the body.
Christmas
I suppose I have been subconciously diving into hard, but very worth while stories.
For the last couple days I have been completely engrossed in the Thousand Splendid Sun’s novel (by Khaled Hosseini). It is an incredible insight into Afghani culture through out the many battles, over-takings, and cultural changes they have seen. It is written about two different women, and is incredibly powerful, and at times so hard to read.
Then just after I finished reading the book (400 pages in 3 days… has to be a record for me), I found myself going to a movie I had been LONG waiting to see: The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. I wanted to weep at the end of that movie.
It is a beautifully told tragic story about a son of a Nazi soldier who meets some Jews from the concentration camp.
Every time I see or read stories like this- that I know are based on such harsh truths about how humanity has treatedone another, I wonder how this can be… how can we be SO cruel to one another? How is it that we have allowed ourselves to become so blineded and that we have given into lies that tell us that just because they are of another race, gender, color- that they are somehow less than human?!?!?!
It is sickening.
The saddest part is that atrocities such as these, are still far from complete history. Still today we have genocides, racism, women being oppressed, religions being oppressed, people being unjustly tortured, we have terrorism, war, abuse, corrupt governments,…
I guess in the midst of this harsh reality when I stop and think of the season and the story of Jesus in a manger- it becomes so much more amazing to me. Our GOD made himself the most vulnerable thing: a baby, and was born in a stable! He came into the midst of a people that had the same issues as I listed above: corrupt governments, oppression, terrorism, abuse, etc.
His own creation had turned on him and on eachother and he came down to love. To walk with and among us. To SAVE us. that blows my mind. How can you forgive a people like this?
We have an amazing GOD.
A Path?
I am listening to Shane Claiborne’s pod-cast to the CCDA, realizing I have made quite the change in my life -even since this summer. I took a class focused on Urban Ministry but which attached so much more along with it. It has challenged and grown me beyond anything I would have expected. I will even admit I have teared up in that class due to it’s powerful content.
I am no eloquent writer so please forgive me but here this is something I feel needs to be written down even if I cannot express it well through words:
I have begun to feel led to Urban Ministry… shocker? Maybe. It certainly is for me. I don’t know what that will mean or what exactly that will look like, but I can see God taking me down a vague path into the urban jungle.
It all started with the Chicago spring break mission trip, which I was not really meant to be on- I didn’t apply for the trip I was sent an e-mail which asked me to apply for the trip, months after the applications had already been processed. I prayed about it and God provided the money before I even sent my letters… I raised 3 times the necessary amount. Amazing.
Next a class that had never been offered before, and may never be offered again, by an adjunct professor called: Urban Ministry Kingdom of God, was brought to my attention by my roommate. It miraculously fit into my schedule perfectly. That is where I just left off. The combination of the two incidences have forced me to find a way, which I finally have, to double major with Sociology and Studio Art and have an Urban Cities concentration.
The next mark is the class I will be taking next semester: Conversations on Race, also being offered for the first time. After that I have been told to check out a semester abroad in urban LA which would potentially save up to 13000$ in both opportunity cost and real cost! I would live with a family in the city, participate in the family activities, get an internship- in my case most likely working with street graffiti artists.
At first this path REALLY bothered me. I mean, I was walking the path… without any hesitation, BUT the idea that God may be calling me to remain in the United States instead of working with Refugees abroad.
I will be honest… I have shed tears over this. But God woke me up with this question, which I heard in my heart, but still struggle to put into words:
‘ What makes you think that people over seas are any less worth helping that people in the United States?’
Oof.
So this is the precipice on which I now stand. I don’t know where God is going to lead me… I always find myself a little distraught because I always thought that the older I got the more sure I would be of where I was heading… I am finding that , at least during college, I am less sure of where I am going. But I am also a bit less worried about it every year. God is in control… woohoo!
Little Bit Crazy
I am trying to figure out how to put into words what all I am processing, and I can’t seem to do it.
I have created so many drafts for this blog that I cannot finish… though all worthy thoughts, I just cannot spit the words out. I need metaphor, symbolism, and I am never satisfied with what I come up with. I think part of my writers block (if you will) is that I have so much going on in my head that I have difficulty focousing in on one, and processing it.
MY SUMMER:
I am working 9 hours a day… sometimes it is unofficially more because I drive my mom to work, making my day 12 hours this Tuesday. 7-7. oof. I don’t know how I manage to cram so much into my life. It probably isn’t sane. Anyway, I am enjoying my two jobs, and my side occupations, although time consuming it has been a wonderful learning experience. I am dabbeling in everything from developmentally dissabled adults, to business, to the music industry (writing reviews), to helping out with my church’s youth group, and painting!!
In all of this, I find I have ironically become much more laid back. I am still very driven to be active and to follow through with things- to deliver, but I am less worried about the picky things, and my demeanor has calmed a lot. I have been studying prayer, looking at the formulas to the just honest ‘GOD why are you letting this happen’, to simply resting in silence knowing GOD is there. I have been learning to find peace in the financial chaos, and rest in the unknown of life after college. I am finally starting to really enjoy the present.
I need sleep now. So I am going to rest and write more later 
July 6
July 6. 2008
I am sitting in the car, the sun on my face, the bare sky over me, accented by the lush green trees & fields around me. I find the peaceful joy in that isolation where I have met God. From there all that was driving me insane, minutes earlier, fades.
I can just sit in this silence- As if I were sitting locked in gaze with the greatest lover of all time. I am stealing moments away with him. This is freeing me- breaking the bonds of all the things I’ve allowed myself to be tied down by.
Here I want to remain forever.
My eyes shut but my face is raised toward the sky. I feel the sun. And as quickly as the trees pass by my window so do my worries. One by one they fade into the distance and are gone.
I know this is exactly where I am meant to be. Within the embrace of my creator, fully engulfed in his joy and creativity- the marvel of what is and how life can be.
This is where I again met Jesus. I told him that I can’t keep fighting my battles on my own. I am not strong enough. I am sorry I did not recognize this earlier.
I let go.
He is there.
filling empty space
I was lucky enough to attend the Jack Johnson concert in Wisconsin on Sunday. It was a perfect day; warm, bug-less, and clear skies.
We had shuffled through the madness of traffic, which had more than doubled our travel time, and sifted through the crowds to get close to the stage with a good view of the smooth musicians: Money Mark, Mason Jennings, and Jack Johnson. It was an interesting setting and the crowd was an interesting blend of alcohol, smoke, some various drug use, as well as families, and the sober.
The two opening bands finished and the beers were kicking in. The music was moving through the soul and heads were bobbing. Jack Johnson came on stage and the roar of the audience rose across the field.
There had to have been several thousands of fans who were tightly packed in front of the stage; soaking in the sweet melody of his acoustic guitar.
I loved the music. It fit the scenery; it fit the moment. The sun felt like a warm blanket on my back, and as the stars came out with the darkness shadowing the faces and brightening the lights on stage, it hit me.
To my left there was a man who was obviously in an alternate reality, the air was now full of cigarette and marijuana, further down the row to my right there were 2 guys on acid and surrounding me there were people whose several drinks had finally caught up to them.
I started looking around me as the lyrics: ‘i love Jesus and Buddha too… how can there be one way to get to you- we are all apart of God…’ was met with loud cheering from the crowd and everyone echoed an ‘alright’ in agreement.
I was struck by the emptiness of those lyrics and the emptiness I was seeing in the actions of those around me.
There has to be more than life than escaping it.
I looked up at the stars; the vastness of the sky and the universe overwhelmed me- it all seemed so surreal that life like this’ in its infinite complexity, could exist. I started to feel the reality of how brief life was and how little life was truly being lived. I was filled with sadness.
I wondered what point there was in living life when it is so brief and in the grand scheme of the universe and beyond- life of any human seems unimportant.
I did not stay in this state of despair however.
It has helped me gain perspective. Although the reality of life, all the sorrow, pain, and evil exists- I have come to the cliche conclusion that it is worth living the life I have been given to the best of my abilities- to make the most of the little time I have. This in my conclusion, is that this is done through loving and serving others; by offering the gifts and skills you have, to help others.
I want to LIVE life.
My question is:
How can one inspire others to choose life instead of simply filling empty space? And how do you go about actually living when the world gives a definition of living that seems to lead to the opposite?
What are your thoughts?
(CLARIFICATION: Now, I do not want to be misunderstood: I do not hate anyone who is involved in these areas. I am not trying to judge them. I am simply coming (once again) to the realization through observation, that this is not worth while and that there is so much more to life- and because I wish the best for others I wonder how I may share LIFE with them.)
